if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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