my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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