If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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