I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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