Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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