Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need a beard to bite.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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