So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
