i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
