i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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