I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
