obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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