you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
