I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
