oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize