they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Randomize
