I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
