Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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