smell my finger.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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