Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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