I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
