I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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