The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
