I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
