I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
