Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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