My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
