Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
