Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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