I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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