I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
