This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
