I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
