Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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