tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm like, not good at living.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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