there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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