She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize