Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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