That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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