I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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