Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm always down for nudity.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
