I'm going to rape someone's good day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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