I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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