Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
