Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
