he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
