lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
