Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
