Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
