worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
