So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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