Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
