I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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