his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There are leaves in my underwear?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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