I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
