i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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