i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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