my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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