i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
