Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
