Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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