God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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