I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
