I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
