she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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