I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
