She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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