I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize